days going by quickly

Sometimes its nice to see days go by quickly. But it makes me think of whether time is so fast, or I have been moving so slow. Ever since I got sick, I see my day pass by very quickly. Or maybe because I have been sleeping too much because of tiredness (taking a bath, brushing my teeth, walking on the stairs can be really tiring) Believe me, it does. Its hard to explain to someone who doesn't have lupus. How I wish I could talk to someone who is also sick like me.
Now I have the common colds and I'm just afraid I'd infect my husband. I don't want him to get sick. Not that lupus is contagious but the infections due to my vulnerability is.

Basketball Night

My former boyfriend, who is now my husband, used to always tag me along whenever he has a basketball game. He used to play seriously back in college and high school but now he just play for fun. A breather from his office life. Whenever he tags me along, I would wear my rubber shoes too and shoot hoops during their half time or break.
I haven't stepped in a basketball court since I was diagnosed, so that's for 2 and a half years now. But last Wednesday night, June 15, he tagged me along again.
I was very excited because I like playing and shooting basketball. This time we were with our fish club. So during their warm ups and half time, I was running, dribbling and trying to shoot some baskets. I really had a blast and it felt so liberating. But then I forgot one thing. This time around, i have lupus.
That night, my feet hurts awfully. I said maybe when I woke up the pain will be gone. So the following morning I awoke and the same intensity of pain is still throbbing at both my feet. I tried to get up and there they were, my two feet, staring back at me, swollen and painful.
So much for pretending things were the same as before. Its gonna be no longer the same unless they find a real cure for SLE.

How do I begin to write again?

So today, what it is that I want to talk about?
It's been several months and alas, half of the year is already over. I can't believe that from this month forward, time will just go by pretty fast (due to holidays in the ber months) Next time you know, its 2012. Another year has passed, or should I say, is wasted?
I always feel guilty of not being able to do anything significant or productive. I may be being very hard on myself, but you see, I used to be an over achiever. I love being busy. I maintained a scholarship for 8 years. After which I started working, and earning and loving my life when suddenly fate told me to slow down by giving me a very restricting disease. It sucks.
Every morning I wake up. Look at social networking sites and see the lives of my friends pass by.
I have been married for three years, but I still do not have a baby because I simply must weather lupus or else it will just result to miscarriage and unnecessary financial spending.
So what does a sick housewife do everyday?
I wake up, prepare my husband for work, fix the bed. And basically stay home all day everyday. Its me, the room, the bed, the tv. Everyday. Occasionally I would go out. But everyday is the same.
I try to keep myself busy with my husband's aquariums. I clean it all the time. They somehow give me a sense of purpose. Like I am needed. I want to feel needed every time I feel useless. I feel useless most of the time. Or maybe its because I am living on the standard of normal people. I need to set up my own standard of success, because my life is beyond what is usual from healthy people. I am different now. It's a fact that I must accept.

Finally I got the energy to write again

It has been terribly long, and so many ideas have slipped off my mind already. This amount of forgetfulness and fatigue can be just overwhelming. I have told myself time and again that, today, I am gonna write. Several months have passed before I really was able to finally do this writing.

Waking up naseous

One thing I hate about systemic lupus, is the constant fatigue. I may sleep even the whole day but still wake up restless and seem like I haven't had enough sleep. What I hate most is waking up completely nauseous and groggy. I took prednisone yesterday (I actually cheat on my medication because I would hate it if I get really fat again.) And today I woke up so dizzy and my back is aching. Things I normally get through with the disease. I envy normal people and I do miss my healthy days.

Valentines 2011

I'm the type of girl who really do not like flowers for some reason. Maybe because they are beautiful, yes but after awhile they just wilt and die. They are ephemeral like that.
Well, I received this little surprise around lunch time. He was in the office and I was going through the regular day like any other housewife.
I really was not expecting anything this valentines. I know so well that surprises really do not work well in my relationship.
But these really made me smile awhile ago.
I do appreciate white flowers. More than any other color.

2nd of February

One thing I hate about SLE is having to wake up, wanting to do a lot of things, yet having this limited amount of energy. Oftentimes I have read in other blogs that Lupus patients are always branded as lazy. We are not really lazy. We just get tired very easily as compared to healthy people.

I can compare my energy each day to an hour glass. Each sand is precious and while there are more sand, I hurriedly try to do as much as I can, until my body aches which tells me I am getting tired and I must stop what I'm doing or else I'll be suffering the consequences.

What consequences? Arthritis in my hands, feet and back. If I force myself into doing so many things, I even end up in chills, fever, nausea which I need to sleep off. It is probably because of the abnormal levels in my blood. And I'm not exagerrating. It usually happen.

As much as I want to live as normal as I want, its always there, trying to remind me every time that it doesn't have any plans of leaving soon. But as usual, I really don't let it win.

Hello again, after a year

Its been a year since I last wrote here in my blogspot and its just now that I have the energy to get back at it.
I do miss writing. I have been putting off my writing for such a long time now. Partly because of tiredness, partly because I want this blog to be very organized, for I have so much to say. But then, I want to be as spontaneous as possible. And I do want to talk about a lot of things.
There's a lot going on with me. Ever since I stopped working, I started living. And even if my disease can be very restricting in a lot of aspects, I also find it liberating from the usual constraints of an "ordinary" life.
I would love to expound a lot more, but its already 6:16 pm and I'm not sure if I have been moving incredibly slow, or the time just ticks so fast...
I need to get a lot of things done before I try to sleep tonight.